


Of Triwizard Tournament, Life and Idiots

by lucywho



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Dialogue Heavy, Drinking, Humor, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-12-20 15:23:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11923731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucywho/pseuds/lucywho
Summary: “Al you are older than me by one minute. I know how to look for myself. And I sincerely doubt he likes me that way!”“Reason more to curse him! He is just playing with your feelings!”No wonder people think Gryffindors are dumbasses.





	1. The Fight

**Author's Note:**

> I don't think Gryffindors are dumbasses? My friend *cough cough Sara I am thinking of you* would beat my ass if I thought that.
> 
> Well this story is just my sad attempt at humor. 
> 
> It is kind of crackish but not really?
> 
> Sorry if they are any grammatical mistakes English isn't my first language.

“Matt, you are socializing with the enemy,” Alfred my twin brother proclaimed. ”You know that the traitors go to the ninth level of the hell?”

I was thinking of mentioning that I saw Arthur and him sneaking into the broom closet last night. I mean that was bound to happen eventually.

Arthur is the Hogwarts’s champion in this year’s Triwizard Tournament, Alfred so called worst enemy  but in reality crush and the most unforgivable thing of all, a Slytherin.

Who is fraternizing with the enemy now? And wow fraternizing was the horrible verb to use there. No wonder I am not in Ravenclaw. Fraternizing definitely shouldn’t be used in terms of sexy times.

“I just don’t understand what you see in him,” Alfred continued and continued to ramble. “You are my little bro and I have to look out for you. Protect your purity and that shit-”

“Al you are older than me by one minute. I know how to look for myself. And I sincerely doubt he likes me in that way!”

“Reason more to curse him! He is just playing with your feelings!”

No wonder people think Gryffindors are dumbasses.

“For Merlin’s sake he just asked me to go to Three Broomsticks with him!”

“He is from freaking Durmstrang!”

“And Arthur is a Slytherin!”

Alfred’s face went red in a millisecond and I silently proclaimed victory.

“How…How do you know about that?” Al asks.

“I saw you yesterday.”

“Did you…You know…” Al’s was as red as his Gryffindor tie.

“No, I just saw you entering the closet,” I reply.

“You know Slytherins are not all bad. I mean, look at Arthur, he is champion and all…” Al stuttered.

“I agree wholeheartedly with you bro,” now it was mine moment to shine “same thing goes for Durmstrang, look at Gilbert he is champion and all…”

“You are real piece of shit, you know Matt, at days like this I wonder why you are in Hufflepuff.”

It was pretty easy. I am not nerdish enough for Ravenclaw, ambitious enough for Slytherin or courageous cough cough crazy enough for Gryffindor. And when I am not pissed off I am pretty much a nice person and hardworking so Hufflepuff it is. Go Honey Badgers!

But I didn’t say that.

“World will never know.”

“Matthew Williams I shall go with you.”

“No Al you shall not.”

“I shall protect you from big bad Durmstrang boy who will attempt to take your virginity.”

Well… That’s exactly why I hadn’t told Alfred about his previous two boyfriends. It wasn’t that hard. Al is usually pretty oblivious.  Observant as a brick wall. He wouldn’t even know about that whole exchange with Gilbert if he hadn’t accidently witnessed it. And like Gilbert even liked him that way.

 “Al I promise I will hex you.”

“No, you won’t,” said Al with confidence.

“Yes, I will.”

“I am just worried about you Matt. Try to understand.”

Oh no he made puppy eyes.

“Al… I understand but I am not a baby anymore. I know how to look for myself.”

“Can you talk a little quitter please? I am trying to study, ” asked poor Toris.

Did I mention this conversation is happening in middle of Hufflepuff common room?

Luckily most people had classes so it is just Al, Toris and me.

“I know Matt… But-“

“Mattew! I was looking for you!”

And then for some reason Arthur showed.

“Don’t you have a potions now Artie?”

Aww Al knows his boyfriend timetable by heart.

Arthur’s gigantic eyebrows furrowed in annoyance.

“First of all how many times have I told you not to call me by that name? Secondly I will just bullshit something that I as a champion had to practice or some other shit. Thirdly I am so ahead that book that I highly doubt I am missing something. I mean I was able to made satisfying draught of living dead in fourth year, curriculum is too basic-“

Oh maple I begged the havens to save me from this.

“Uh do you always have to rub in everyone’s noses that you are potion genius? And how do you even know Hufflepuff’s common room password?”

Al ended our suffering.

“I could ask you the same question,”  he smirks ”I know all common rooms’ passwords. I blackmail the perfects.”

Uuu that sounds so badass and almost makes you forgot that that same guy really likes to wear ugly old man sweater vests and knit.

Oh and I case you are wondering I told Al the password. Because you know we are family and I trust him? And Hufflepuff’s common room is so much better place to drink than Gryffindor’s. Nobody suspects us :)

Fuck that sounded Slytherinsh.

“What do you need me for Arthur?” I asked sheepishly.

“Oh yes I almost why am I here,” that’s because Al and you are eyefucking each other right now, “I heard from Francis who has heard it from some girl who has heard it from some Durmstrang boy that Gilbert fucking Beilschmidt has some kind of  crush on you.”

He really likes me! OMG! Keep it cool Matt, keep it cool.

“I have done some thinking and we can definitely use that as our advantage!”

Arthur had that maniac glee in his eyes.

“Uhmm what?” I drooled

 “Just think! You can spy on him and report back to us how he thinks to solve the second task and I am pretty sure Braginski told him what is in it anyway…”

He is asking me to spy on Gilbert? Well I will not pretend like that it isn’t completely Arthur I mean Slytherin thing to ask but what does Arthur (my future brother in law it seems) think of me?  I really like fair play and more importantly Gilbert -

“MY BROTHER ISN’T WHORING HIMSELF JUST SO YOU CAN WIN THAT STUPID TOURNAMENT!”

Alfred eloquently put it.

 “Not me Alfred! Hogwarts! Matthew will be fine. Needs of many outweigh needs of the few!”

“Oh look who is talking Mr. I-don’t-really-care-as-long-as-I-get-what-I-want.”

“WELL I CARE ABOUT YOU!”

“WELL APPERANTLY NOT ENOUGH IF YOU ARE WILLING TO WHORE MY PRECIOUS LITTLE BROTHER FOR YOUR SELFISH SLYTHERIN WAYS!”

“Umm guys this is getting really uncomfortable and I think I am going to excuse myself,” said poor Toris and got up.

“No, no, stay here Toris, this will be over quickly,” I said. “SHUT UP YOU IDIOTS!”

Silence. Wow.

“MON DIEU. FIRSTLY YOU BOTH ARE SUCH IDOTS I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS YOU SO PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER. SECONDLY I AM DEFINITELY GOING OUT WITH GILBERT AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME AL.”

Arthur sticked his tongue at Al. God, they are such a children.

“THIRDLY I AM NOT GOING TO SPY ON HIM OR WHATEVER. I LIKE HIM OK? NEVERTHLESS I CAN’T BELIVE YOU ASKED ME TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT ARTHUR. HOW LOW IS YOUR OPINON OF ME? I MEAN YOU ARE PROBABLY GOING TO BE MY FUTURE BROTHER IN LAW YOU MUST RESPECT ME MORE!”

Silence.

 Toris sat down.

Silence.

“Wait… Future brother-in-law?”

Oh crap. Matt out.


	2. The Date

I was waiting for Gilbert outside of the castle. It was beginning of December and it was really cold. I was freezing my ass off. We were supposed to go to Three Broomsticks together. And he was seven minutes late already. Maybe he stood me up. I already could imagine Al’s and Arthur’s responses.

Al would be all like I told you he is a bastard I am going to hex him and Arthur would nod and swear he would beat him in tournament and restore my honor.

I hate them.

He was nine minutes late.

Maybe something happened to him?

That wouldn’t be such a surprise. Yearly there are at least ten nasty accidents in Hogwarts. Al was always involved in least three of them. Or maybe he ran into Peeves?

“BIRDIE! BIRDIE!”

Here he was.

“I am sorry I am late my awesome ass got lost. I can’t think of reason why some school would have so many blind paths and staircases.”

That is Hogwarts for you.

“Uh so… Let’s go.”

“Lead the way Birdie,” he winked.

I thought I was going to die. I prepared the will in my head. I was leaving nothing to Al.

Then I noticed something.

“Uhh Gilbert aren’t you cold?”

I mean he wasn’t wearing a coat just some light robe.

“Nah I am too awesome for a coat. Here is a lot warmer than in Durmstrag anyway,” he smiled” And  call me Gil.”

“Oh okay. Gil.

So we walked. Nobody was on path to Hogsmeade except for us. Everybody hid either in castle or was already drinking in Hogsmeade.

We walked rest of the path in comfortable silence because I was freezing my ass off and that was kind of a conversation killer.

It was at the Three Broomstick where conversation really kicked off.

“Butterbeer here is really weak. I bet it takes you like ten bottles to get drunk.”

“It takes you seven. Last year Arthur and Al had a dick measurement contest who can drink more. Both got really sick and drunk after seven.”

“So seven is record?” Gilbert asked. His eyes screamed challenge.

“Nah Matthias drunk fifteen. In case you are wondering, he is alive.”

“Want to try and break that record?”

“Uhhmmm no?”

“Are you a coward Birdie?”

“I just value my life. Please Gil don’t do it. Mon Dieu. Matthias blacked out and prof. Yang had to cast like three Soberitus and he was in detention like whole year and-“

He giggled. Well I never thought the day I will see Gilbert Beilschmidt giggle like a little girl.

“I am sorry Birdie but you get so cute when you are flustered. Okay I won’t I am too awesome for that shit anyway.”

Keep it cool Matthew keep it cool don’t jump his bones.

“Why do you call me Birdie?”

I was not prepared for what came next.

He pulled a live chick from his pocket.

It was miniature but very much alive!

“His name is Das Gilbird. You remind me kind of him.”

“Pi Pi.”

“Thanks?”

Chick decided to fly. It seems it could fly? And nested in my hair.

Gilbert busted out laughing.

“Birdie I wish you could see yourself now.”

Oh sweet maple his eyes were beautiful.

“He seems to like you, Birdie.”

Oh yes there is a chick in my hair.

“Gil? Could you please move the chick from my hair before it lays an egg?”

Or shits.

“It is a male chick. Or least I think it is?” he says. He stretches his hand and Gilbird jumps in it. He puts him in his pocket again.

“So big bad Durmstrang champion has a pet chick.”

“I am not ashamed of that birds are awesome.”

“Just imagine the Prophet headlines.”

“Daily Prophet? Those bastards. You know that first interview we had to do? They didn’t mention my awesomeness with a single world, turned my life into a sob story and proclaimed me kind of egocentric.”

“Sob story?”

“Well my brother Luddy and I were raised by our grandfather Old Fritz because well our parents died. They were, how do you call it here? Ah, yeah, aurors.”

“Gil I am sorry.” I grabbed his hand.

“Don’t be Birdie I don’t really remember them and all..” He squeezed it lightly.

“Is Luddy here too?”

“Nah he stayed in Durmstrang. He was too young to throw his name in the cup. I do really miss him. He will probably be here for the second task tho.”

Silence. Everything around us bubbled with conversation but we stayed silent.

I tried to break the silence.

Think Matt think what is the funniest thing you can think off?

“Well Arthur knits.”

It is not like it is a secret, I think?

He spitted out his bear.

“Arthur Fucking Kirkland knits?”

He started laughing.

“And does embroidery. And please don’t tell me you will somehow use this information against him  in the tournament. He is probably my future brother-in-law and I would hate to be on his bad side.”

Sweet maple I was fucking terrified of Arthur.

“Cross my heart and hope to die, “ he made a sign, “We are just missing Bella’s dark secret.”

“She probably doesn’t have any. She is kind of perfect.”

“But not as awesome as me.” He smirked. Mon dieu have mercy.

“I think she is taking Mai Chang to Yule Ball.”

“That reminds me of something.  Matthew Williams” he got up and dramatically dropped on one knee” will you go to Yule Ball with me?”

My heart almost stopped.

“ HOLY MAPLE ON PANCAKES YES!”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you are wondering Bella (Belgium) is Beubaxtons champion :)

**Author's Note:**

> I am in love with the headcanon that Arthur absolutely can't cook for shit but he is great at Potions :)
> 
> But Al always beats his ass at Quidditch ;)
> 
> And in case you are wondering Al isn't a champion because I wanted to change dynamics and dammit Slytherin totally can be a champion!  
> We don't really know Arthur's birthday date so for the plot convenience it is in September and Al was too young to throw his name in the goblet.


End file.
